Torn

Lately I have been conflicted and torn.  I have accepted the fact that I have POTS a long time ago.  I have accepted the fact that I have multiple health problems that affect my body.  When something new happens at this point, its sort of like well “just add that to the list of problems”.  Although I don’t deny the fact that I have health problems, I cannot accept the fact that this is my life.  I cannot accept that fact that my life is going to be this way forever.  I cannot accept that every day I don’t know if I will pass out while crossing the street, or standing after class, or waiting at the bus stop or just getting out of bed.  I cannot accept the fact that for the rest of my life I will have days that I cannot get out of bed because my body has betrayed me.  I cannot accept that fact that every day I will take a butt load of meds that MAY work or stick myself with a needle, hook myself up to an IV and drag my IV pole around the house.  I cannot accept that my friendships and relationships will be ruined by the fact that I am sick and all of the baggage that comes along with it.  I cannot accept the fact that I will have these hospitals bills that I cannot afford to pay.  I cannot accept that fact that my once in a lifetime experiences may be ruined because my body won’t cooperate.

These are just some of the many reasons why I try to hard to be symptom free.  Yes, I am functional unlike many other POTSies but that does not mean that I have a quality of life that is acceptable for me.  Until that happens, I feel like I am a guinea pig.  I try new procedures that may work or take different dosages of all types of medicines to see what will happen.  I was recently talking to my friend about this issue and he responds, “Tasha, don’t you ever stop to think that all of this is doing more harm than good?”.  This is something that I am conflicted with every single day.  There is not a test, medicine regimen, surgery or procedure that I go through where I don’t ask myself that same question.  Some days I think I get so desperate that I am willing to try anything to find relief.  Other days I think that I would rather try a treatment and have hope that it will work than regret not trying.  Although I have been through hell and back this past year with some of these procedures, I  have no regrets about the ones that I have tried.  I can’t think if it as trying and failing.  In order to move on, I have to think of it as trying and crossing that option off the list in order to make room for one that works.  With each procedure, I will always be conflicted and torn but ultimately it is my life, my decision and I will deal with the consequences.

~Natasha

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