I Wasn’t Ready

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you whether you are ready or not. In the last couple of weeks, I wrapped up my summer stuff, caught up with friends and all of a sudden, it was the first day of school. This summer was full of experiences and opportunity and then school snuck up on me. I didn’t think I was ready to begin the second and final(hopefully) year of my MPH program, but it’s here whether I’m ready or not. Time to get back in the swing of long nights, reading articles, writing papers and learning about changing lives.
Yesterday, I had my left stellate ganglion nerve block that I was suppose to have in June but was canceled due to my many complications(See Right Stellate Ganglion Nerve Block and No Left Nerve Block). I thought I was ready to deal with this and get back into the mode of dealing with my health instead of pushing it to the side or pretending like things were okay, like I did all summer. I thought I was ready. I thought I was prepared for the complications and everything associated with it, like the last time. This time I opted for the general anesthesia instead of the pain and trauma like the last nerve block.  I was prepared for the consequences. I was prepared for the worst but hoping for the best. After the nerve block, I had severe nausea and vomiting.  I had Horner’s Syndrome with the droopy eye, which went away. I had all of the side effects.  Overall, the side effects weren’t as bad as the last time and the block briefly worked for a few hours.  (Shout out to Karen for coming with me and dealing with me yesterday, by the way.)  I ended up being wrong though. I wasn’t prepared for this. My POTS symptoms and the side effects started getting bad again. I wasn’t ready to be this sick again. I wasn’t prepared to deal with this life of hospital visits and not being able to get out of bed again. I wasn’t ready to be poked and prodded again.  I wasn’t ready for the anxiety I get whenever I have a fever now, after the sepsis situation.  I just wasn’t ready.
Now, I am questioning my strength. Am I really strong enough for this? Reminiscing about the past year and I wonder how I made it through. How did I make it through 5 surgeries, sepsis, and multiple procedures. How did I manage all of that while getting my masters and actually having somewhat of a life?  How did I manage the little daily things that people take for granted, like cooking or showering or even just getting out of bed, with everything going on both physically and mentally?  I don’t know if I’m strong enough for another year of this mess. I want to keep my sanity. I wasn’t ready but whether I like it or not, the time is now. I have no choice but to figure out how to deal. I have to find my strength.
~Natasha

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